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Sarah here. We hope that you found last week’s blog on managing parent guilt helpful. Whether your kids are triggering your parent guilt or you are, it’s quite possible that your sense of guilt ties into your sense of success as a parent. So today, we’re talking about how you define success as a parent. Oxford Languages defines success in part as “the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.” Sounds straightforward, right? Maybe not. If we’re talking about success as a parent, do you consider whether you accomplished a specific goal? Or do you evaluate whether you’re accomplishing your general purpose as a parent? But then that begs the question…what’s your general purpose as a parent? Overall, most parents want their children to grow up feeling loved. Most parents hope to raise kids who become independent and (you guessed it) successful. But rather than focusing on how we define success or general ways other people talk about success, we wanted you to reflect on your own personal metric of success as a parent. Read through the questions that follow and notice what comes to mind. There aren’t “right” or “wrong” answers here. You don’t need to “think hard” about the questions- these are things that you’ll likely have immediate thoughts about, so just notice the first thoughts that show up. If you’d like, you can jot down your answers, but no pressure.
Think about whether the ways you currently define success as a parent are the only metrics that matter. Maybe you’re so focused on your family feeling loved that you haven’t really focused on how you feel. Maybe you’ve been so invested in your children being “well-behaved” that you haven’t really considered how they feel. It may also be helpful to consider whether your metrics of success actually matter to you. Sometimes, we’re so focused on what things look like from the outside (e.g., how our children behave), we don’t consider what they feel like on the inside (e.g., you feel stressed and upset with your children all the time, you’re constantly focusing on correcting their behavior).
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Sarah here. We hope that you found last week’s blog on dealing with parent guilt helpful. While Lisa focused more on recognizing when your kids are triggering parent guilt and learning how to manage that guilt, today, I’m focusing on what to do when you are the one triggering that guilt. Like Lisa mentioned last week, guilt isn’t bad- it’s just an emotion. It can in fact help us slow down and evaluate whether we need to change course. If you were stressed after a long day at work and you snapped at your kids just because they were chatting a little too loudly at dinner, the discomfort of guilt may help you stop and evaluate what’s actually wrong and lead you to apologize for taking your fatigue and work frustration out on them. But sometimes guilt isn’t helpful, and it gets in the way. What about when you feel the pangs of guilt when you’re going out to lunch with friends? Does guilt rear its head when you decline your child’s request to do something together because you’re having some alone time? There are plenty of times that parents feel guilty for doing things they want and need to do. It’s easy to cave in when that guilt arises and avoid practicing self-care. When parents guilt themselves about spending time away from their kids and about engaging in self-care activities, they may be less present and get less out of the activities. I mean, how much fun is lunch with friends if you spend the whole time ruminating about whether you spending 2 hours away from home is going to ruin your child’s life? I am only slightly exaggerating to make a point…as a mom, I know how quickly parent guilt can lead to catastrophizing. Before you cancel those plans or attempt to spend every waking moment focused on your family, consider this: you deserve the same love and care that your kids do. And your kids deserve to have parents who live rich and full lives. Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s vital. And, if you won’t do it for yourself- do it for your kids. When you invest in yourself, you have more energy and resources to share with your family. And you provide your kids of a great model for how adults (and parents) can balance taking care of themselves and taking care of others. So, when you start to guilt yourself (and I’m saying when not if because I know that realistically, it’s going to happen), take a moment, notice that feeling, and evaluate whether it’s helpful or not. If it’s not helpful, make an active choice to be present. See if you can redirect your attention on where you are, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it. This is a great opportunity to practice mindfulness and be intentional with your actions. And remember that the feeling of guilt—no matter how distressing it is in the moment—is temporary, like all feelings. It will pass if you let it.
Lisa here. We hope last week’s blog helped you find some clarity on your problem-solving style. This week, we’re talking about a feeling that can challenge even the most confident parents – guilt. Even when you know you’ve made the right decision, parent guilt can rear its ugly head and make you second guess yourself. If you don’t work through the guilt, you will struggle to be an effective parent. Keep in mind that guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. Guilt is an emotion, and just like any emotion, its job is to alert us to something important. When we feel guilty, there is a chance that we have done something wrong. As a parent, it can be difficult to deal with feeling that you have done something you should not have. An additional complication is that children are very good at triggering guilt in their parents, especially when they figure out that guilty parents often give in. As a parent, it can feel like you’re always supposed to know the answer and that you cannot be wrong. However, that is far from the truth. Yes, you are a parent. But you are also a human being and human beings make mistakes. Accepting this goes a long way to reducing the amount of guilt you feel for your parenting decisions. So what do you do? First, you must figure out when guilt is warranted and when it is not. Ask yourself why you are feeling guilty. Do you feel like you should have said yes? If you gave a knee-jerk response or if you reflect and legitimately change your mind (not because your kids are pressuring you), then that’s fine. It’s okay to reverse a decision if you realize you made a mistake. However, parent guilt frequently misfires when it’s triggered by other people, especially your kids. Do you have a hard time when other people are upset with you? Does it affect you when your kids are upset even when you know you made the right decision? If so, parent guilt may be a frequent occurrence. Once way to counteract this guilt is to parent with intention. When you have made conscious decisions about the kind of parent you work to be and your parenting actions are tied to your purpose/values, you have less guilt. Your foundation is strong, so it is harder for your kids to make you feel guilty for your parenting decisions. That does not mean they will not try. Kids can lay it on real thick, especially when they sense you feeling guilty. In those moments, it’s important to give yourself a mental reset and remind yourself of your reasons for your decisions. It’s okay if your kids are sad, mad, or disappointed sometimes. That is part of life, and they have to learn to deal with not getting their way all the time. When you are able to recognize that your kids are pushing your buttons, it will be easier for you to resist feeling guilty for your sound, intentional parenting decisions.
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Welcome!Feel free to peruse our blog and see what Sarah and Lisa had to say about topics related to your needs as a busy parent. We will talk about everything from parenting values, to life hacks, to realistic self-care. Archives
August 2023
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Conveniently located in Mandarin
Serving Duval, St. Johns and the surrounding counties |
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Address12412 San Jose Blvd.
Suite 203 Jacksonville, FL 32223 |
Telephone904-432-3321
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